Let’s be honest—marriage is sweet, but e no easy. One minute, you’re doing lovey-dovey and planning a future together, the next minute, you’re wondering if this person is your soulmate or just your cross to bear. But what if I told you there’s a secret sauce that can help Naija couples abroad—both at home and abroad—build strong, fulfilling marriages? It is called “the Shared Dreams Principle”, introduced by relationship experts Drs. Julie and John Gottman come into play.
Wetin Be Shared Dreams Principle?
At its core, this principle is all about couples understanding, supporting, and working towards each other’s individual and shared dreams. Because let’s face it, if you and your spouse don’t see the future the same way, wahala go dey!
So, how do you apply this principle in a Nigerian relationship? Let’s break it down.
5 Ways to Apply the Shared Dreams Principle in Your Marriage
1. Know Each Other’s Dreams (No Be Guesswork O!)
Marriage is not just about paying bills and raising kids; your partner has dreams, too! Sit down and talk about personal aspirations—career moves, starting a business, or traveling the world. No assume say you sabi what your partner wants. Ask questions! “Babe, where do you see yourself in five years?” or “Honey, what’s that one thing you’ve always wanted to do?” Simple conversations like this can change everything.
2. Create a Shared Meaning System
What values do you both stand for? What traditions do you want to build as a couple? Maybe it’s praying together every morning, having a monthly date night, or even deciding how to raise your kids. When both of you are in sync, your home becomes a team, not a battlefield.
3. Support Each Other’s Goals (No Be Competition, Na Teamwork!)
Your spouse’s win is your win. Even if you don’t fully understand their dream, support them. Does your husband want to go back to school? Encourage him. Does your wife want to start a business? Be her biggest cheerleader. Success is sweeter when both partners are involved.
4. Overcome Gridlock on Dreams (No Dey Use Silent Treatment!)
Sometimes, wahala go enter. Maybe you want to relocate abroad, but your partner prefers to stay in Nigeria. Or you want to invest in a family house, but your spouse prefers to build their business first. Instead of dragging the matter like a village meeting, sit down and talk. Find the deeper meaning behind each other’s dreams and look for a middle ground.
5. Build a Future Together (No Dey Do ‘Every Man for Himself’ Marriage)
Marriage is not just about surviving—it’s about thriving. Ask yourself: What kind of life do we want to build together? Make plans for 5, 10, or even 20 years from now. Whether it’s buying land in Lekki, moving to Canada, or raising children with strong values, having a shared vision makes your love stronger.
For Nigerian Couples Abroad: How to Make This Work
If you and your partner are japa couples, applying the Shared Dreams Principle is even more important. Life abroad can shake a marriage, especially with cultural shifts, career pressures, and family expectations from back home. Here’s how to keep your love strong:
1. Adapt Without Losing Your Naija Roots – Find ways to blend Nigerian values with your new reality abroad. Whether it’s speaking Yoruba or Igbo at home or keeping Sunday rice as a tradition, make your culture a part of your shared dream.
2. Support Career & Immigration Goals – If one person is studying or switching careers, be patient. Immigration struggles are real, but facing them as a team makes it easier.
3. Balance Family Expectations – Naija family members will always have plenty of expectations, but make sure both of you are aligned on boundaries before you start sending money home or making big decisions.
4. Plan Finances Together – Abroad life can be expensive. Discuss whether you want to invest in Nigeria, save for a house, or focus on settling permanently.
5. Decide Your Long-Term Future – Are you both staying abroad forever or planning to move back home? Talk about it early to avoid surprises later.
Try This: Couple’s Shared Dreams Exercise
Want to start applying the Shared Dreams Principle today? Grab a pen, sit with your partner, and discuss these questions:
1. What are your top three personal dreams?
2. What dreams do we share as a couple?
3. What steps can we take in the next year to move closer to those dreams?
4. How can we support each other better?
5. What obstacles might stand in our way, and how can we overcome them together?
Write down your answers and revisit them every few months. Your dreams might evolve, and that’s okay—as long as you’re evolving together!
Final Words
Marriage is not about who is right but about building the right future together. When both partners understand and support each other’s dreams, love grows deeper, fights are reduced, and the home becomes a place of peace and joy.
So, my dear Naija couples, don’t let small misunderstandings destroy something beautiful. Dream together, grow together, and win together.
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